a new leaf

it's time for a change, i think

sick of being tired
tired of being scared
through with feeling dumb

finished with giving up
done with failing
through it all, i've come undone

it's time for a change, i think

let's see what i can do
let's see where i can go
in this life i've barely begun

i've found my feet
and there's the road
just starting out, i've already won

it's time for a change

why didn't I wear my swimsuit today?

I need to go home - where ever that is. Maybe I just need to be away from here, just for a while. Away from things that remind me that I'm a failure. Away from things that remind me that I'm not really as smart as people say I am. What do they know? They're not in this head of mine. Heck, sometimes I don't even want to be in here.

Okay, that was a little harsh, but apparently that's what I do. I beat myself up. I'm too hard on myself. Always have been and probably always will be. It's part of what makes me me. I don't know why I am like this and most of the time I do not like it, but I cannot control that.

That bothers me. I thought I could. I thought I had it all down, became cool and collected. It worked for a while, but I guess it just wore off. And now I feel especially defeated because I think I should have seen it all coming. "Didn't you see that 150 foot tidal wave coming toward the beach?" I was just so fascinated by the wall of water that I forgot to evacuate. Easily distracted, I guess.

As I tread this water, with no idea how deep it is, I have become disoriented. I am not sure which is up and which is down. Left or right? Where'd the sun go? And why didn't I wear my swimsuit today?